postlightning:

On facebook I update only the the things I care people who I can run into to know.

I have this other online life outside it.

In this life, I have many contacts too. A lot of them I consider friends,

though I’ve never physically met them.

In this life I have an audience, and I perform for…

Neat. I again have similar feelings. Friends

Sorry, housemates, but my cat pwns you in all metrics of good company and cuteness.

Right now I’m listening to a song that I love. I love a lot of songs, so this song is not vital to my being and sense of identity, but it sounds nice, it’s performed wonderfully, and the title resonates with me in a way. What’s the name? We’ll get to that…

It’s almost 2:30 AM and I have to get up…

No pity, bro. You just did something really stupid, and your parents clearly overreacted. I’m glad your peers in the chorus were on top of that shit. (Good night? :P)

This fine evening I put on my HTT t-shirt and grabbed a couple of Melative friends and watched K-ON!! 20.

The episode was fantastic. It was 22 minutes of fun, enhanced by being with friends, even though we’re separated by hundreds and thousands of miles. A show primarily about friendship should…

<3 … gratifying, validating, and uplifting.

minna!! kagayaiteru wa yo!

I’m sitting upstairs in the house I’m renting with my brother and some friends. My room is on the main level; I’m hiding in someone else’s room in order to evade the noise of the currently-ongoing ‘cultural night’ social event. People who are my friends are sitting around being loud. And I want none of it.

Across the bay in San Francisco, a contingent of buddies is meeting up for a last hang-out before one of them leaves town for the rest of the summer. I RSVPed saying I couldn’t go—I had plans to attend the social event in my own household, and couldn’t weasel out of it. Apparently I didn’t need to weasel out of anything. I just needed to get a head ache.

My initial interpretation of my feelings following my break-up two months ago was that I had become less trustful. I didn’t want to see people. I felt safer ‘in my room, safe within my womb’… to recycle good song lyrics ;)

I don’t think that’s quite right, though.

I think I’m lonely. Which is weird, because I’m surrounded by people. I can’t deal with them all at once, somehow. I don’t want the company of a company.

Is it laughable that I am discontent?

I really have become a recluse. And it’s silly and contradictory for me to both avoid and desire company. I do well in one-on-one situations, right now, insofar as I’m happy hanging out with any one person at a time. I find myself becoming a bit grumpy in three-man groups, snappy in four-, and downright bitchy in larger.

“So just go hang out with people one by one!”

But I’m scared of becoming too attached to people right now. Rebounds and all that. My guy friends? Sexuality has nothing to do with it. I received an e-mail the first night I was at Fanime this year. That e-mail heralded the end of my seventeen-month relationship with my girlfriend. It wasn’t even over yet—not until three days later—but I saw it coming, and I became a barnacle.

Sorry, Simon. I didn’t mean to force romantic friendship upon you like that.

For now, I think I’ll pass on opportunities to become too close to my friends.